I figured out why Nicole Kidman and John Boehner were hanging out

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This morning I woke up after sleeping off a George Santos hangover only to be sent the following disturbing tweet.

There’s much too much to react to, but I’ll run down the first thoughts that popped in my head:

• Nicole Kidman, Australian-American actor and all-around megastar, was hanging out with former Republican Speaker of the House, John Boehner. 

• Why was Nicole Kidman, Australian-American actor and all-around megastar, hanging out with former Republican Speaker of the House, John Boehner?

• When was Nicole Kidman, Australian-American actor and all-around megastar, hanging out with former Republican Speaker of the House, John Boehner?

• Her hair looks great.

• Why doesn’t she look terrified of him?

• Didn’t know Boehner was so petite. 

• What’s happening on the TV behind them?

• That caption creepy as hell.

• The carpet indicates they’re in some sort of hotel ballroom.

• Holy tanning bed, John.

• Cool lanyard, bro.

All those queries aside, I’m gonna zero in on the second and third points. Instead of doing any one of the many things on my To Do list, I decided to use my investigative powers to unlock this mystery of worlds colliding.

John Boehner represented Ohio’s 8th Congressional District in Congress from 1991 to 2015, and served as Speaker of the House starting in 2011. As the HBIC, he was essentially the Nicole Kidman of the House. He resigned in 2015, and since then has become involved in lobbying for Big Weed despite being staunchly opposed to marijuana legalization while in office. Politico called it, “an evolution that helped transform the former speaker’s image from surly legislative obstructionist to rakish Uncle John.”

Boehner’s latest stats aren’t necessarily relevant, but it’s important to be reminded that Republicans have always been money-hungry hypocrites who will roll their morals in paper and light ‘em up if it gets them some cash.

Anyway, back to his run-in with Nicole.

I zoomed in on the photo to look for clues, and spotted a small placard behind them that appeared to read “TIBURON” with the Ritz Carlton logo beneath it. When I googled Ritz Carlton Tiburon, the golf resort in Naples, Florida popped up.

From there, I went to the resort’s events page, scrolled down to inspect the different spaces, and found the carpet that exactly matched the one seen in the photo. I knew I had the right spot.

Now as to why they were there: Boehner posted the photo at 6:02 Thursday night, so it was possible he was so excited to meet Ms. Kidman that he live-tweeted the event. But it was also possible that it was taken another day and he was getting around to thirst-posting. 

I went to the Ritz Carlton Naples, Tiburon Instagram page and found they’d just kicked off the LPGA CME Group Tour Championship, and as someone else pointed out, a faint CME logo could be seen on the lanyard hanging from Boehner’s crimson neck.

Then I went to the resort’s Instagram geotag and looked at recent photos tagged there, which is how I learned they hosted the Rolex LPGA Awards Thursday night. Could that be where Nicole and John were kibbitzing?

But press from the event and photos from the red carpet showed no signs of the Big Little Lies star and the little big liar, so I figured it had to have been a previous event. Then I remember that one brief video on the geotag showed a Carrie Underwood performance. Well, it turns out she did a private concert at the Ritz on Wednesday night to kick off the LPGA Tour. Hence, the concert on the TV screen.

Carrie is pals with Nicole’s husband Keith Urban, so that makes sense. But there’s no other explanation for John’s presence other than the fact that he’s a power amoeba who needed to feast.

Thanks for going on this important journey with me. Clearly writing not one, but TWO stories about George Santos yesterday denatured a piece of my brain.